Project Mouth Slime

Project Mouth Slime: I Went and Cooked Up Mah Spit

Spittin' CupsIt’s taken me three weeks to complete the final step of Project Mouth Slime because I’ve been sick for most of the last 10 days, and because in this crazy modern world it’s getting as if a work-a-day man doesn’t have eight hours to spend homebrewing saliva cocktails. Nevertheless, the deed is done and the results are in.

As promised, I tried mixing together saliva and Listerine Total Care Zero and leaving them in a near-inner-mouth temperature, 100-degree oven for several hours. All part of my usual Wednesday afternoon routine, yes, but I also was trying to determine if the culprit behind morning mouth slime is the combination of saliva and the propylene glycol in non-alcoholic nighttime oral rinse.

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Project Mouth Slime: I’m Gonna Spit in a Cup and Bake It

propylene glycolSorry about the delay in my returning to Project Mouth Slime, but sometimes more important things in life get in the way. In this case, “more important things” are “anything.” But past is prologue! Onward! When last we left off, Sophie and I had discovered that mouth slime appeared when using Listerine Total Care Zero, an alcohol-free nighttime rinse, but not when using Rite Aid Tooth Care, which contains alcohol. I opted to try a night of swishing with Listerine Total Care, a brand-name mouthwash with alcohol, to eliminate the possibility of brand peculiarities. I paired the rinse with regular fluoride toothpaste; Sophie rinsed after brushing with whitening toothpaste. Neither of us awoke slime-mouthed. So mouth slime appears to be linked to nonalcoholic mouthwash.

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Project Mouth Slime: Phase One Results

Where the Science HappensWhen we last left Project Mouth Slime, Sophie and I had begun eight days of testing to determine which combinations of mouthwash and toothpaste were most prone to producing sticky white mouth boogers. Since then we’ve had some interesting developments. The movie rights have been optioned; Katherine Heigl will star, opposite Casey Affleck as Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar. We’ve also collected some interesting data.

You’ll recall that we paired our two most frequently used mouthwashes (Listerine Total Care Zero and Rite Aid Tooth Care) with one whitening toothpaste and one regular toothpaste (Colgate Total and Colgate Cavity Protection, respectively). Here are the results:

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Let’s Look at Mouth Slime

An unslimed mouthAs you know, in households all across America the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is reserved for the annual tradition of amateur home science experiments. This year in the manse of the west coast Madejs we’ll be getting to the bottom of our nation’s most notorious scourge, one both hissed at by Tea Partiers during Republican presidential debates and downward-fingerwiggled by Occupy protestors: morning mouth slime caused by mouthwash.

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