Spashley Ever After

Is this Spencer or Ashley? I forget.

This morning I figured I should find something to keep this site from languishing while I work to finish up a big new project that I’ll be debuting here next week. So unless you want to help me decipher my handwritten notes, that means reposting. The first thing that came to mind was Spashley Ever After.

Several years ago on The N (now TeenNick) we aired a show called South of Nowhere, a romantic melodrama about a high school girl discovering her homosexuality. It has the distinction of being the only television series the lead actors of which publicly expressed their brutal disdain for me. More importantly, it was a cult hit among teen lesbians (eight or nine of them to be exact) who gave the lead couple — Spencer and Ashley — the portmanteau nickname “Spashley.” When the series met its end we at The N, in a reasonably innovative move, held a contest to let fans write a final webisode that would show the future of Spashley.

I gave the audience three sample ideas to get their brains working. The Spashleyites were not pleased.

  1. The year is 2068. Ashley returns home from her last day as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, after issuing her final ruling granting voting rights to Nintendo ElectorBots. Spencer sits in the kitchen, having moments earlier swallowed a number-18 lug nut, thus completing her 53-year-long quest to become the first person to eat a nuclear powered submarine. They settle into each others arms, content in achieving their dreams. Five minutes later, Martians blow up the planet and everybody dies.
  1. Deep in the jungle primeval, Ashley chops the heads off of three more monkeys and sucks out their brains. “I wish I had remembered to pack some food so I wouldn’t have to keep eating monkey brains,” she thinks. “But I’ll never stop searching for you Spencer, even if I have to eat a mountain of monkey brains! Speaking of…. [WHACK!]” Miles away, Spencer quivers in an underground dungeon, wailing, “Why? Why did I ever seek to discover the Jade Gonad of the Quetzimalomians?”
  1. Paula lovingly cuddles her new granddaughter. Aiden beams. “She looks just like Spencer,” he says.
    “How can she look like Spencer?” Paula replies. “It’s Ashley’s baby.”
    “It is? I thought it was Glen’s baby.”
    “Why would Glen have a baby with Ashley? He’s married to Madison.”
    “Wait, I thought I was married to Madison.”
    “No, you’re married to Chelsea.”
    “No, I think Chelsea is married to Sean. Maybe I’m married to Sasha.”
    “Who’s Sasha?”
    “I forget. Which one’s Glen again? Is he the one who got shot?”
    Five minutes later, Martians blow up the planet and everybody dies.

I managed not to get fired, but it’s probably understandable why I don’t work there anymore.

Kindly Provide Mr. Madej With Your Viewpoint

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