Seth Madej

Oct 31 6 comments

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Turn Your Children Into Werewolves: A Halloween Book Hunt

NOTE: I originally wrote this post for Halloween 2011, but turning your children into werewolves is a useful lifehack every year.

Meet The Werewolf by Georgess McHargueSomething I watched recently reminded me of a book that I loved when I was in grade school. Possibly it was Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. (I mean possibly that movie was the thing I watched, not that I loved the Booker-Prize-winning novelization. Though obviously I did.) The book was about werewolves. Nonfiction. A sort of guide, as if werewolves were an actual rare species worthy of study, like secretary birds or Kardashians. This was a book for children. In particular I remembered a section with detailed instructions about turning oneself into a werewolf. Oneself being a child. And I'd found this book in my elementary school's library.

Remembering that, it struck me as beyond belief that a school library in the early Eighties would've happily loaned a fourth-grader a step-by-step guide to the black arts. Nowadays such a scandal would likely result in the firing of all the teachers and administrators, the closing of the building, filling it with burning sage, and then reopening it as a charter school based on the educational power of complimentary pamphlets. But I was certain I'd read the book, and I even had a vague recollection of the ceremony it contained. Had it been snuck onto the library shelves by some miscreant, Helloween-listening teens? If so, why'd it have a circulation card? It seemed like the book had to have been an honest-to-goodness, corporately published library holding. So I set out to figure out what it was and track down a copy, preferably one bound in human flesh.

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Oct 27 0 comments

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A Very Madej Halloween

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Summer Block invited me and Sophie to her retro-futuristic Halloween party, and this is what happened. Sophie made the costumes herself, except for the head in the jar, which required use of my evil twin that I keep kept locked in my attic.1

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  1. Actually it's a very clever design by Instructables user mikeasaurus. []
Oct 23 0 comments

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Those of Us Who Think Uber is Wrong Continue to be Proven Right

Have I still not convinced you to stop using the customer-gouging, driver-screwing, society-disintegrating ride-sharing outlaw taxi service Uber? If the fact that the company comprises an unethical skeleton skinned with a business model that's an affront to progressives everywhere and wrapped in a demonic cloak of pure greed isn't enough to make you delete its app, keep in mind that if you criticize your Uber driver's route he will cave your skull in with a hammer.

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Oct 19 0 comments

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Dictator Doings

It's time for Dictator Doings, where we see what's doing with the world's dreamiest dictators!

Sep 22 0 comments

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Slice Open Your Stomach for Carnie Wilson

Carnie WilsonSunday night in my house is reserved for viewing of cooking competition, cute animal, or kooky-vet shows. Last night's feature was the "celebrity" portion of Chopped's Ultimate Champions Tournament, which included Carnie Wilson trying to win money for her chosen "charity," the Weight Loss Surgery Foundation of America. Thing is that by promoting the WLSFA, she's shilling for a twisted corporate scheme designed to take money from the ill and desperate.

Carnie Wilson, for those lucky enough not to know, is the daughter of Beach Boys founder Brian Wilson and former member of the hell-shat vocal band Wilson Phillips, whose video for their 1990 emetic hit single "Hold On" I was subjected to endlessly by my niece during babysitting sessions. After Wilson Phillips broke up in '93 under threat of invasion from extra-terrestrials who'd intercepted radio broadcasts of "Impulsive," Carnie went on to pioneer the field of modern trash celebrity.

She began avoiding real work with her extremely short-lived mid-90s tabloid talk show Carnie!, the exclamation point of which plead guilty to 26 misdemeanor counts of creating a public nuisance and was last seen sleeping outside the Santa Monica Blvd. impound lot. Carnie then spent a decade appearing on select TV show, her selection criteria being that no mentally functioning human had any interest in watching them. She hostined a revived version of The Newlywed Game, judged Karaoke Battle USA, and appeared on oodles of reality shows from Celebrity Wife Swap to the no-I-swear-it's-real Celebracadabra, on which she lost the title of Greatest Celebrity Magician to blackface performer C. Thomas Howell.

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Sep 10 0 comments

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We All Need to Learn to Deal With Adversity

For reasons I don't understand, this is one of my favorite jokes from any movie ever. It comes from Jim Abrahams and David & Jerry Zucker's 1984 follow-up to Airplane!, the underappreciated but equally exclamation-pointed spy-film parody Top Secret!

Peter Cushing in Top Secret!Don't tell anyone, but I kind of prefer Top Secret! to Airplane! It's just as inventive if not more so, with J.A. & the Z's focusing their energy on surreal visual gags and cinematic weirdness, including shooting an entire scene backwards to make the cast sound like they're speaking Swedish (including Peter Cushing, making a cameo as a mutated bookstore proprietor). It's also the perfect movie for anyone who ever wanted to hearVal Kilmer sing "Tutti Frutti," since he and his philtrum star as rock n' roll heartthrob Nick Rivers, in their first role.

Top Secret! comes and goes from Netflix Instant Watch. It's currently gone, but available on DVD.

Sep 10 0 comments

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Me Meeting New People

Me Meeting New People

 

  1. (Taken from the 1942 Warner Bros. Merrie Melodies short "A Tale of Two Kitties," directed by Bob Clampett (and featuring the first appearance of Tweety Bird).)
Sep 08 1 comments

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I Don't Believe In God, But I Don't Need to Because I Believe In These Guys

Sep 07 0 comments

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Now That Meet the Press is Hosted by a Dude With a Goatee, It's Time to Start Getting Your News from Puppet Nation

President Obama takes action to stop police from using military weapons

George W. Bush returns Barack's call

Aug 15 1 comments

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Listen to Barack Obama's Thank-You Call to George W. Bush

My favorite of the Puppet Nation sketches I've written. Every president occasionally needs to leave therapeutic voicemails.